jumping ship and joining wordpress

Lady Guinevere's Quiet Spot

come see me there!

a lot on my mind

trying to figure out the best way to give everyone what they need and want. including myself. just don't know how...and it's tearing me apart. and what i want and need is not here..but i apparently can't have everything. and yes..i know it's life and life's not fair..but DAMMIT. Why NOT?

i want to be with her. with her. in her town. i feel myself living there. with her. it's already home to me.

but my baby girl is here. and the baby daddy is already causing a stink. a ruckus. i won't get her. he won't let me. and she's upset with the idea of me being 4 hours away. not here.

and my heart is breaking. i've come up with a somewhat workable solution for now. but she's unhappy. she's trying to put a brave face on for me. she doesn't want to leave her school and friends..though i can hope she changes her mind. but he won't.

and i had to walk away from her once...when i left the marriage...i felt i didn't have any room to negotiate anything...and he got her. and now he's using her emotionally to get to me...

and all i want to do is run to my lady...put my head down and let the fuckin' chips fall where they may. but i can't...i've got to figure out the best way for all of us...

and nearly everyone here is pissed at me. my baby, though she won't talk to me, baby daddy, my folks..several of my co-workers...i'm tired.

and i just want to sleep in my lady's arms..but for now..we're limited to several visits a month...if we're lucky...and

gah.

i just don't KNOW.

she's on her way home

back to Louisville.

I miss her.

I had a fantastic time with her here...

She had never visited St. Louis before...

Wasn't overly fond of this River City. Something about ice and driving. LOL

She drove up early and surprised me!

Took her to a couple of my favorite places to eat.

Walked downtown on Laclede's Landing..

Took her to the top of the Gateway Arch..

Drove her around the City..

Today we said Goodbye.

Gah..

oh boy..we're in trouble.

big trouble.

and we're both admitting it...

one week ago

today i was preparing to meet her.

it was an absolutely splendid weekend.

and i was sad when it was time to go..

but...and here i laugh..because it is crazy..

this weekend..one week later...

my ex is keeping my child..

and she's coming here..

to see my city..

to see me.

and neither of us truly have words to describe what we feel..

and that is amazing to me.

soon...i will see her soon.

ok..so maybe not so calm

LMAO

i'm frazzled...and i just want to talk to her still..

i've never talked SO much with anyone...TALKED.

texted? yes.

im? yes.

actually talk? NO NO NO

we talk about everything and anything...

i enjoy her voice.. the patterns her tones make.. the ups and downs..the quiets and louds..the laughs and the seriousness..

i enjoy her.

and i'm back to being outta my mind tonight. LOL

nearly finished with everything..

cat's been fed..

clothes are mostly picked. (notice..picked..not packed.)

just..

ahhhhhhgggg

ready to go NOW.

it will be okay.

it will be more than okay.

it will be OKAY.

and the City may Burn!

but it will be good. really.

it will!

i'm excited. very, very excited to mosey on down her way (and no..that's not missour-AH slang) to see her this weekend.

i'd started getting frazzled..the week had been taking too long to end...but now..now..

i'm starting the final push..pulling myself back into my body, my head.

slowing down...

getting things ready..

i'll be calm until i'm there. and then BOOM!

i'm having a difficult time sleeping..

though i'm happy.

very happy.

life...which is generally pretty decent to me..all things considered..has been particularly outstanding recently.

but i'm up...not wide awake...
but not exactly able to sleep...
missing something...
someone...

so..the following is one of about 3 lullabies i would sing to E when she was lil bitty. she would try to push my mouth closed...because the songs always relaxed her..put her to sleep..and sleep she did not want to go (hmmm..wonder who she took after there??? LOL)

the other two were sorta "written" by me..lil more private...but this song is a public domain..

Sleep, my child, and peace attend thee,
All through the night;
Guardian angels God will send thee,
All through the night;
Soft the drowsy hours are creeping,
Hill and vale in slumber sleeping,
I my loving vigil keeping,
All through the night.

While the moon her watch is keeping,
All through the night;
While the weary world is sleeping,
All through the night;
O'er thy spirit gently stealing,
Visions of delight revealing,
Breathes a pure and holy feeling,
All through the night.
----------------------------------

and know..i'm humming it to myself...trying to calm the thinking....